That one time the dentist called my baby an alien…

Haha can you imagine this ripping out John Hurt’s chest? Actually don’t. You don’t want that visual. 

So I will be the first to admit that pregnancy is weird. A lot of people and a lot of blogs are all about how natural it is and pregnancy is very natural. But it is also very weird. Which isn’t a bad thing. There are a lot of things in the world that are natural but weird. Like platypuses. Or boogers. Feeling a living being SQUIRM inside you is really, really cool but also strange. Growing that human and a whole other organ to support that baby is kind of mind blowing weird because for the most part, humans don’t go around growing new organs. (Or maybe they do. I’m not a doctor.)

However, I do also think that as weird as pregnancy can be, it’s important to know WHEN to express your thoughts on your weirdness. Or WHO should express their thoughts on its weirdness. People say a lot of strange things to you when you’re pregnant. Whether it’s the people who decide to pull a Motomoto from Madagascar and let the “Dang girl, you huge!” slip or the people who comment on your age, status, or insert number of other children here pregnancy just brings out people’s opinions.

I wasn’t super surprised when my dentist commented on my pregnancy. I had to tell him I was pregnant so he wouldn’t ask for x-rays. He started the conversation easily, commented on how small I looked. (I was reclining in the chair so it’s easy to look smaller then) and then he commented on how I was from Chicago. Which sparked the hygenist to comment on how big cities scared her, because she thought people from big cities were mean. I smiled and laughed and was like, “No they are just different hehehe can we get on with this please?” My cleaning had already taken waaaaaay longer than I remember a cleaning ever taking. (It took 45 minutes. I have gone to the dentist every year since having teeth. My husband had a cleaning later and he hasn’t been to the dentist in 5 years. His took 20 minutes.) But the conversation continued.

“Pregnancy, man, I’m happy for you. But it just weird me out. Having something inside of you. It reminds me of that movie, Alien. You know. Something bursting out of you. Hehe alright, now, open wide.”

The thing is, a lot of pregnant women will tell you that sometimes the baby feels alien like. It totally does. But when you’re super hungry, annoyed, and just waiting for someone to give you the all clear sign on your teeth having your offspring compared to a Sci-Fi antagonist is a little off putting. Especially since someone just said that people from big cities are mean.

I mean, yeah, Chicagoans drive aggressively, tend to be blunt, and drive faster than people here because OH MY GOSH WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TURN AT A REASONABLE SPEED? DO WE NEED TO TAKE A TURN AT 5 MILES PER HOUR PEOPLE? REALLY?

But I’m fairly certain my dentist back home would have given me a congrats and said my teeth looked good and that he would see me in 6 months. Like he did for the past 25 years. Cause he was cool like that. And he wouldn’t compare my child to the chest buster.

But to be fair to this dentist, he did say that I had nice teeth. So, there’s that.

🙂

 

March – Abril Spring Updates

March was the sunniest March I could remember in awhile, which was very much welcome after the dark winter. Now that we are into April the sun is still out for much longer here. It rises around 7:15 and stays out until 7:30 at least. I like it and I am lucky that I don’t find it hard to sleep in the sunlight.

It has been cold in an early spring way and very dry. Although there has been some rainy days which is good, for both the ground and my skin. I had really bad allergies one week because it was so dry, dusty from the gravel roads, and the wind. I thought I was getting sick again but thankfully it went away when the rain came in. However, there is an outbreak of H1N1 here which is kind of crazy. Very unexpected, to say the least.

We are hoping to make a couple of Anchorage runs before Harley Bops makes is appearance because we want to have some time to ourselves there. And also Costco. I loooooove Costco pizza. Seriously. We have gone on dates to Costco for a hotdog and a slice of combo. And also for things like toilet paper and Kirkland turkey. ROMANCE. No but seriously, some of my favorite moments with Stephen are the moments when we are doing seemingly mundane things together. Over food.

(Buzzfeed also shares the Costco Love.)

I think Spring has officially sprung because people are removing their winter tires. Which we still need to do but if we head up to ANC next week we will do it there. A part of our car FLEW UP today when we were driving! It was not the hood, although that would have had the same humorous terror it did in Tommy Boy. It was the plastic upper tire cover that had been damaged in an accident prior to our owning the vehicle. It was NBD but man that popping sound is enough to make you jump on a quiet Saturday morning drive. (Stephen fixed it in a few minutes.)

In other awesome news WE HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE! God provided in a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge way and now we(I) can rest easier knowing we have housing set up. Praise. God. All. For real. Praise God because He is good and provides when we need it. He hears us when we pray and when we cry. He listens. It’s awesome. It’s. Awesome.

In other less awesome news we have watched three 80s action movies in three days. We also watched Battlefield Earth, which, oh my lanta what happened to Travolta’s acting abilities? I didn’t even WATCH that one, I was just in the room reading while Stephen watched it and the acting. I couldn’t take it. Stephen also watched The Running Man, Predator, and Predator 2. If you are looking for cheesy lines said by a HUGE dude with a crazy accent, I recommend Running Man. If you are looking for class side step these options all together and rent something else. (The perks of living in a town with a still going strong Blockbuster.)

We watched Battlefield Earth primarily because we watched the Master and it’s supposedly based on L. Ron Hubbard. I should say we tried to watch the Master. After awhile it was really hard to see Joaquin Phoenix repeatedly try to destroy himself. It has good acting but it’s kind of raw and uncomfortable the entire way through.

I’ve gotten an itchy, I need to be reading feeling lately and I read through Krakauer’s Under the Banner of Heaven in a week. If you are a fan of Krakauer’s work and true crime I would recommend it. It is FAIRLY creepy and weird in a lot of passages so be warned. I also found this awesome list on Buzzfeed and I have found reading material for the next while. I already picked up Eula Biss On Immunity from the library.

Life keeps rolling on. Stephen is almost done with his semester and summer is on it’s way. Baby is healthy. I want to eat EVERYTHING. Seriously, I entered third trimester and picked up the appetite of an Olympic Athlete. I took my gluclose test and received good results back on the diabetes front (as in, I don’t have gestational diabetes) but I do have a low blood supply. My doctor this is probably why I have been so tired all the time. Which, makes sense. So we are back to eating meat and I added another vitamin (SO MANY VITAMINS AND SUPPLEMENTS) to my regimen. I’m thankful to have a husband who is willing to compromise his “eat less meat” stance in light of me needing to have a proper blood supply. (He might have also missed meat too.)

Now we are just preparing, mentally and otherwise, for baby’s arrival. I signed up WAY to late for a birthing class so I will taking the class in June when you know, I’m ready to pop. Stephen wants to be my own personal doula and fight for me not having to take pitocin or be forced into a C-section, which is really sweet. (He is logical, though. He will not prevent an emergency needed C-section. Or face my wrath if I really want an epidural.) We are excited! I want to see this baby cakes and hold him in my arms! I want to learn even more about him. Yeah giving birth is scary but so are a lot of other things that are really good things. It makes no sense to dread something so natural and something that’s part of the circle of life*.

But I also haven’t had a Braxton Hicks yet. So maybe when that happens I will change my tune. Ha.

*Nope. I cannot get through a post without a Disney reference. I just love it! Also can someone PLEASE tell me why the hyenas were forced to live in the elephant grave yard in the Lion King? I need to know!

 

Inside Out – In More Ways Than One

“I know you don’t want me to, but I miss home. I miss Minnesota. You need me to be happy, but I want my old friends, and my hockey team. I wanna go home. Please don’t be mad.” RIley Inside Out

When I watched Inside Out for the first time a couple weeks ago I thought to myself, “Wow, I should have watched this a lot sooner.”  I read that Mindy Kaling cried when she read the script because she thought it was so beautiful that the writers were telling kids that it was okay to think growing up was hard. I think that’s a message most adults need to hear too.

I know I needed to hear it because I felt like Riley. Here I was in a new city, away from home, away from friends, away from everything I know with the idea of I have to be happy. I cannot be sad. I have to do my best. I have to make this the best on my own. I have to make friends. I have to keep trying to make friends. I have to keep trying to make friends. I have to keep trying. I don’t want to give up. I can’t give up. Keep going.

Keep going. But it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting and you are fading. Won’t sadness slow you down? Won’t it make this whole thing even harder? Just keep going.

It’s hard. It’s virtually impossible in many ways. I really like that the emotion that takes over Riley when Joy leaves is anger because it’s so true. Anger is so easy to slip into when you cannot tap into the sadness you feel and ask others for help. In a way it feels right. After all is anyone thinking of you? If anyone thinking of you when you are the one who is reaching out to people without anyone reaching back? It’s easy to think like Riley thinks. How can you expect me to happy? I know no one here. No one is interested in me here. What’s your problem anyway? I did this for you, I am doing this for you, why can’t you just let me be? Let me just be and it will be fine. Everything will be fine.

Like I said, it’s easy to let being angry become your natural disposition. It doesn’t take long for anger to phase into apathy, like it does for Riley. When you aren’t expressing your sadness it is hard to really connect with yourself or what’s wrong. I don’t know how many people have asked me how I am doing and I have responded with, “I’m good. I’m okay. I’m fine.”

In reality, I am not fine. I would like to think I am fine, but I am sad. It took me a long time to admit that. I am sad. I miss home. I miss my friends. I miss my family. But that’s the other edge of loneliness. I cannot go back to home because home is different now. Everything that has happened since I stepped on that plane in June and everything that has happened to the people I love are now a thousand little memories and moments that we didn’t experience together. We are different now. Their lives are moving ahead. My life is moving ahead. But the space in between us is a big, wide space and time cannot be crossed. You can’t go back but moving forward feels like you’re walking through mud. It’s hard being someplace new. Truly, it is hard being someplace new. Really hard. I don’t know why we lie about that. Can we all agree to stop lying about that?

Pixar does amazing things with story telling and one of the main things they do is remind adults that children are people too. They also remind adults that THEY are people too and it’s alright to admit life is hard. Sadness isn’t a bad emotion, it’s a good emotion and a powerful one. I think the common misconception is that people in depression or sadness like feeling sad. That’s wrong. No one wants to be sad for an extended period of time. I remember I read in the Princess Diaries series (don’t judge) that Mia’s depression felt like she was in the bottom of a huge pit. You can look up and see the blue sky and the sun but you’re so far away from it now. It takes the hard work of pulling yourself up by stubby root ends of trees to get to the top. Then you’re there. Then the sun can shine on you.

The hard part is having the desire to keep pulling yourself up. It takes energy and effort. When effort isn’t rewarded you have to keep going anyway. If you are wondering, it’s hard to keep going anyway. You do it and slowly some things are rewarded. Slowly the right people respond. Slowly the hard edges are smoothed down and friendships can grow. That all takes time. You cannot cross time to make it go faster. You just have to keep going, but you don’t have to lie to yourself anymore. I don’t have to lie to myself anymore.

This is hard and sometimes I am sad. But just like in the movie, all of life’s moments don’t have to be one emotion. They can be happy and sad. Life is complex and the complexity is better understood when we fully accept where we are when we are there. Our lives are lived out better when we let go of the idea of who we should be or how we should feel and allow ourselves to feel how we are feeling. Then we can acknowledge when we are in the bottom of the pit and then we can realize how to get out. Because we can get out, I promise.

Graceless Hearts and Ella

“And I am done with my graceless heart, so tonight I’m going to cut it out and then restart.” – Florence and the Machine

  
I love Kenneth Branagh. He is cinematic gold; between his talent, his skills as a director, and his over all silver foxiness he’s it’s hard to deny his cinematic expertise. (What does silver foxiness have to do with cinematic expertise? I don’t know but it adds to the flavor.) I love what he did with Cinderella.

To be honest, for a long time Cinderella was my least favorite  Disney heroines. I just never connected with her, despite my love for fairy tales and the Walt Disney company. It probably has a lot to do with my general lack of patience for cruel people and Cinderella, as we all know, was incredibly patient. I am far too much of an internal fire cracker to sit and wait on someone who is cruel to me. To me, Cinderella was weak. I hate weakness and I especially hate weakness in myself. I didn’t want to relate to her, despite feeling the same way she had many times in life.

Before watching the 2015 movie, my main concern was how Branagh would handle the wicked stepmother story line. Once Upon A Time already did a wonderful job fleshing out Snow White’s Evil Queen, giving her emotion and back story. I wondered if the movie makers would take time to give Lady Tremaine a complicated, wounded heart back story.

Well, they didn’t give her a complicated back story but they did give her a back story. It was simple, but it was gutting. She had a selfish heart. Lady Tremaine claims that her first husband was the light of her life but perhaps this was because he loved her as much as she loved herself. Cutting off her emotions from others she enjoyed being cruel to Ella because Ella was everything she wasn’t. Ella was kind and courageous. Lady Tremaine was too in love with herself to have any desire to be kind to someone else. When you only love yourself, how cold and heartless does God and life become? No one lives up to your standard because you are your own standard. No one should love the way you love yourself. Love is a refining fire. How cold and heartless do you become when you only love yourself? You become Lady Tremaine cold. You might be beautiful on the outside, but just a glimpse of your character spoils the whole portrait.

I have thought about that line from Florence and the Machine for a while now. “I am done with my graceless heart.” Sometimes it’s easy for us to see the effect other people have on us. Our hearts are so malleable, they are so easily bent out of shape because of the hammering of another person. This week I found myself repeating that line while thinking of someone else, “You are my graceless heart. You make my heart want to be cold and graceless. I want to cut you out and restart.” I wonder if Ella ever thought the same thing. Cut it all out, cut off her step mother and step sisters and start afresh in town, where she had friends who loved her and life was bright again.

Have courage and be kind. Oh, those words are so convicting. How much courage does it take to be kind to someone who is repeatedly cruel to you? It takes the most courage you can manage in that moment, I reckon. It would be easy to see Ella as weak but in reality she is strongest character because she manages to protect the spirit of kindness and courage inside of her, despite the constant hammering of the Tremaines. She remains true to herself and her loving parents, because she knows what real love is and she is not afraid to stand up for it. The clearest example of this is her desire to protect the prince, even if it means losing him forever.

Sometimes we cannot cut out the gracelessness of the world from our lives. We can however, remember the spirit we are called to live by and live that way, even when it is hard. We may not have a handsome prince carry us off but we have the knowledge of the truth we are living in, and ultimately, the Lady Tremaines will not win. While they sink further into misery, we rise further into strength able to say, “I forgive you,” to even the worst of foes.

So, Sir Kenneth Branagh (He’s a knight! Seriously.This man is gold.) I thank you for your wonderful telling of Cinderella. I thank you for the beauty and the truth you spoke to us all. Whenever I watch that movie I remember what it means to be kind and courageous. I remember what it is like to want to be kind and courageous. That, in itself, is a wonderful gift.